look at me in the eyes and tell me that you feel nothing inside.
watching her sleep, peaceful, beautiful, innocent, erased everything from before. knowing she was just out of reach, but there close enough to touch without effort. taunting almost.
my sleep came with thoughts of her realising what i saw clearly, that she was the one i needed, and that she needed me as well.
but she was glorious and i was nothing, all i could do was lie there and watch perfection, hoping that she’d one day understand and love me.
the dark is falling again, dragging me under with a silent scream, trapped in my head with no means of escape. it’s happened too much, eventually it must stop. the vain hopes of a brighter day ahead, forever on the horizon like a glimmer of the sun.
readjusting to nights. finding sleep without tracing patterns on your skin mindlessly til it hits, the warmth of your arms gone along with the lullaby of your heart in my ear. the presence of you ,just in the hours leading up to unconscious dreaming, is most obvious when you’re not there, images warped until i question they ever existed to begin with.
innocent touches and sinister thoughts. whispers that scream through the night. where i belong, the space next to you, the only place in my waking dreams. the ache when you’re absent fills the whole of my chest. expanding and growing til there’s nothing left, realities of us crashing into flames and burning infront of my eyes. the dreams keep me sane til i learnn to be strong, then i will finally fly.
Your arms are the only ones I need.
No imposters could do the job, faking affection in vain hopes of being overcome with everlasting love. You are the only one who has the trick, the nack of knowing when is too much and when is not enough. The right pressure, comfort, breaths and silence.
In your arms I am safe and happy. I know joy and I know miracles, I can see the stars.
Sat on the floor in a room with a view, your quiet songs and melodies could last me a thousand years and more.
it hit me hardest when i left him
as it always did before
the wave of black crashing over my head
waiting to pull me under
knowing it would only take a little for me to fall
i knew it would happen, but i didnt want to stop it.
indescribable aches
waterfalls for eyes
breathing a new but oh so familiar melody
the thoughts are back from the dead
never really forgotten
to tell would be to break
Learning to be without you was the hardest.
Re-realising that I didn’t need you to sleep, breath or exist. I was finally my own person again. it was wonderful and devastating at the same time. I found that I could notice other people, imagine being with them, being without you for good. But that meant that what we had was gone. It scared me more than anything had in a long time.
my perfect boy was slipping away, water through my fingers, untouchable rain.
he didn’t want me.
it was hard to comprehend at first.
not in a vain way, i was in no way perfect or beautiful or desirable, but he made me believe that he’d be mine forever, as i was his.
now i couldn’t figure out if he fed me lies over the months, me drinking them up as if they’d save me from myself, or if he really had felt it all but simply lost it, able to change his feelings as if they were controlled with a switch.
heaven hell heaven hell heaven hell.
the switch in my brain flicked repetitively.
she was wonderful, glorious. but i was real.
she was nothing but an illusion. she could make you believe what ever she needed, she was good, but then you’d learn that it was a trick and things would crash down and i’d still be real. just as always.
waiting for you to come back to me, as always.
through our eyes
Through our eyes
We were enviable. As breakable and delicate as each other, different but similar enough to complete each other in ways unimaginable. Words weren’t needed, just eyes and touch and interlocked minds to sense happiness and worry, troubles ahead and exciting things to come. Even the people in the street who couldn’t accept us as a pair wanted to be one of us, her long windswept hair and deep green eyes that saw straight into your soul caused enough jealousy without needing my full lips, always painted red, and legs to rival a supermodels. They couldn’t help but stare with longing in their eyes.
I’d seen my life as average. Boring even. Some thought it was fascinating, others saw it as tragic and guessed I must be hiding secret heart ache. Sometimes I was, but it came and went and I soon forgot about it until the next time. When I was younger I hated the way people stared as they shared my story, “No father you know, that’s why she’s the way she is. Mother never wanted her either, poor girl.” As I grew older and wiser it didn’t bother me, I smiled and waved when I heard my name in their whispers. They probably thought I was deranged.
The day Colbie entered my life was uneventful and normal. There was nothing to hint at the magic she’d bring me or the way she’d change me forever. I was having lunch with my best friend, the same as we’d done every week for two years. I never dreamt it was possible for someone so perfect to exist yet there she was, sat alone at the table opposite staring into space, lost in thoughts. I didn’t pay much attention at first but the longer we were sat the more I couldn’t help but notice her. The freckles on her nose, the way her hair caught the light, her quiet little sighs and the tears welling in her eyes, fighting a losing battle to escape. I left without speaking to her but she never left my mind. By luck or chance, maybe destiny, she found her way back to me. My phone was left on the table and she was the one who picked it up, rang my home number and arranged to meet up and return it to me. I tried to not think too much of it but still spent an hour choosing what to wear and got butterflies as I put lipstick and eyeliner on.
I’d never believed in love before. I was always convinced it was just a deep obsession between two people who got along well, but she changed my views within the first five minutes of our meeting. There was no doubt in my mind that if I were to fall for anyone, it’d be her. She handed back my phone and our small talk turned into us chatting for four hours and then going for a walk that lasted the night. We spoke about everything, our pasts and worries, dreams, plans for the future. It was a connection that I’d never felt with anyone. The feeling that I could tell her anything and everything, it was okay to let her into my head and she wasn’t going to run scared.
She shared her stories too, equally as tragic and fascinating as mine. Her mother left when she was seven and her twin brothers were four, leaving her father in charge. He’d developed a drinking problem and a temper not long after.
“I never saw it, but I heard it. I thought it was normal. Sometimes I wondered why he didn’t hit me as well, but I guessed it was because I did as I was told and didn’t bother him.”
She left home when she was thirteen, living between friends and relatives since.
After knowing each other for an hour there was a trust like no other, knowledge that we wouldn’t ever betray each other or cause any form of pain.
I understood what it was to be truly wanted by another person, what it was like to be terrified of that person leaving and never coming back.
After the night we spent together there wasn’t a time we were apart for more than twenty four hours. We kept it a secret, what we had was ours and sharing it with others would only taint and ruin it. We didn’t need other people’s opinions and acceptance to clarify it. Alone we were nothing but as a pair we were strong and beautiful, we could do anything we wanted as long as we were together, and we did.
That summer we ran away, knowing we’d never go back. I’d always thought about it and it made sense. I was sad to leave some people behind, no goodbyes or promises to stay in touch were made. We knew what they’d say if they heard our plans so it was going to be a clean break, leaving all of our problems and worries behind for good.
Before we left I went with her to town where she showed me the way of taking things from stores without being caught, which she’d learnt by the time she was ten, “In your bag when no one’s looking, tags off in the changing room, walk out and look innocent.”
Our money was spent on coach tickets and people would have suspected what we were doing if we’d have gathered all our clothes and put them in bags, so we took the essentials and stole the rest. She was wonderful, ready with sad stories and built up tears in case someone saw us, routes planned and short cuts to take if we needed to run for it.
There was no need though, not one shop assistant or sales person tried to stop us as we walked out of stores with bags full of dresses, skirts, tops, jeans, underwear, tights, shoes, socks and anything else that’d taken our fancy.
In the toilets at the coach station there was clearly a lot on her mind, thoughts dancing across her face. I changed into one of my new dresses then jumped over the door to the cubicle she was in, still dressing, with tears on her face.
“I’m sorry, this is my fault. We can forget about it, get the money back. Go h-“, she stopped me, one hand on my check and the other pressed to my mouth, and shook her head,
“This is all I’ve ever dreamed of. Running away from everything and everyone here and starting all over. Now it’s all happening perfectly and it can’t carry on like this. Soon something’s going to happen, something I can’t deal with.”
“We can deal with anything. We have each other, that’s all we’ll ever need.”
Nothing else was said. I kissed her forehead and she carried on getting dressed. When she was done we left the toilets hand in hand and got on our coach.
The journey was long but we didn’t care. I gave in and gave her the window seat, she pointed out a couple in their forties who couldn’t take their eyes off of our hands clasped tightly on the arm rest, we laughed at the group of teenage boys at the service station who whistled and called after us with desire all over their faces and then I fell asleep on her shoulder as she played with my hair and traced patterns up and down my forearm. When I woke up we were fifteen minutes from our new home, a beautiful little place where we could be happy together for as long as we wanted.
Things were bliss in our little haven. A week in and we had new friends, one of which who was letting us sleep on her sofa. Colbie found a job in a cafe and I was waiting to hear from the manager of a bar I’d had an interview with a few days ago who seemed keen to hire me. A bit too keen maybe, but that could be fixed once I started. All that mattered was that I got the job, our money was almost gone and as generous and hospitable Chelsea was, we couldn’t expect her to buy our food as well as let us stay at hers for nothing.
She found us “fascinating” she told me when we were in her little living room one night. Colbie was already passed out next to me, leaning against my side and occasionally mumbling things in her sleep, when Chelsea started the conversation off. It was a simple question, or she thought it was at least.
“How do you know?”
“Know what?”
“That she’s going to be what you want forever. That what you’re doing here, now, is right and you won’t turn around and regret everything one day?”
“I don’t know that. No one knows that, ever.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
It shocked me that she could look at things like that. I knew she wasn’t trying to be rude, it was just curiosity. She’d never seen a relationship containing two people who’d give the world for each other before; her parents had never been together so Chelsea and her older brother were brought up by her mother. When she found a husband Chelsea got left behind with her brother, whose house we were in now, so she could move abroad with him and his family.
Chelsea’s brother, Adam, was twenty years old and a typical man. Each night we stayed there he quizzed us about our love life and made sure he said “I don’t mind receiving pictures you know? They won’t wake me up, I’ll be too busy thinking about what’s going down here to sleep anyway” before he went upstairs. Chelsea told us he’d never had a serious relationship and it wasn’t difficult to see why.
Knowing all this I found it difficult to answer her questions, she stared at me while I tried to think of a way to answer. How did I tell her that Colbie and I were two halves of the same person, without sounding crazy? That I knew how Colbie felt about something by looking at the way she was standing and that she’d know exactly what I wanted before I even did?
It took me a couple of minutes but once I looked down at Colbie sleeping next to me it seemed like the easiest answer in the world. ““Because this is what I need and this is what she needs. Before we had each other we were lost. None of us were happy, just floating around aimlessly and coping with the things in our lives the only way we knew how. Now we have each other. I love her like I’ve never loved anyone in my life and somehow she loves me in the same way. When I’m with her I’m not scared about anything because I know that we can face it as long as we’re together.
I knew she didn’t completely get it, no one ever did. We were seventeen and eighteen years old, running away from everything after three months of being together. People turned their noses up at us, laughed at the ridiculous children who had no idea about life and the world around them who thought they could live however they wanted without consequence. It didn’t bother us, we laughed that they didn’t live like us. Freely. We couldn’t make them see the world through our eyes and make them understand the things we did so we just carried on. We had each other and as long as that was true we were unstoppable.
Chelsea sat for a while longer, thinking about the things I’d said, then gave up and went upstairs to bed. I stayed up for a bit, trying to take in how perfect life had turned out. With Colbie’s weight on my side keeping me warm and her breathing next to me like a lullaby, letting me know I was safe and things were still wonderful, I wondered if I’d already fallen asleep and this was just a huge dream. If it was, I didn’t plan on waking up. I eased myself further down the sofa, curled my body around hers and drifted off into dreams that made less sense.
The day I lost her I thought the world would end. How could it carry on when she was gone? But the people continued to move and the clocks still ticked and nothing was different except her presence was lost and only the people who truly felt it knew what the rest missed out on. She made me realise a lot of things, and above all she taught me to be strong. I realised that something’s are inevitable. With a hello comes a goodbye, with love comes loss and with life comes death. Regardless, you shouldn’t shy away from these things; you should embrace them while you can. Make your love known, live your dreams, tell people the things you needs to and be happy with what you have. Then when the time’s over spare a moment of sadness and move on. Don’t live your life reflecting on regrets, look back on the things you did and the people you loved and smile. Remember, life waits for no one and once it’s over there’s nothing you can do to go back.
She was everything. The light in my eyes, the rush of my blood, the warmth in my skin, my very soul. And then she was gone and I was nothing. All I had were memories of before, when the world was a wonderful place and anything was possible if you believed.
